


So Big/So Small

by AvatarTonksoftheUSWNT1397



Series: Despite All the Odds [3]
Category: Love Simon (2018), Simonverse | Creekwood Series - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Loss, M/M, Pain, Sad, loss of pet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 13:02:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18315788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvatarTonksoftheUSWNT1397/pseuds/AvatarTonksoftheUSWNT1397
Summary: Numb.That was all Simon felt. An indescribable void that was neither happiness or sadness.





	So Big/So Small

            Numb. 

            That was all Simon felt. An indescribable void that was neither happiness or sadness. 

            He knew that everything was different. 

            Despite there being three other people in the house, it felt empty. Too empty. 

            He kept on looking around, expecting for something to wake him up out of this nightmare that was no his new reality. 

            He knew it could be worse. 

            He could’ve been the one crossing the street. 

            His parents. 

            His sister. 

            Bram. 

            It could have been so much worse. 

            But it was Bieber. 

            And Simon didn’t know how losing his parents or Nora would have been any different than Bieber. 

            Bieber was there through everything. Bieber was the one to comfort him after the whole coming out fiasco. Bieber was the one who was there every morning when all Simon wanted to do was hide away in his bed. Bieber was the one there when there wasn’t anyone else. 

            Bieber wasn’t going to be there when he came home for break. Bieber wasn’t going to be the first one greeting him at the door. Bieber wasn’t going to be the first thing he saw every morning. 

            His parents could think whatever they wanted, but his favorite part about coming home (besides Bram) was Bieber. 

            None of them were really doing anything. 

            Nora was going through the motions of making pasta. His dad looked as if he was going to break down in the middle of the living room, while his mom just kept on looking around. Simon didn’t really know what to do . . . 

            That’s how he ended up on his bed . . . not even under the covers. Staring out through the pitch black window, and vaguely registering the sound of the front door closing downstairs. 

            Simon didn’t think about anything else, until he felt the bed dip behind him, a long lanky body spooning him from behind, and a feather light kiss being pressed to the side of his temple. 

            “Hi baby.” 

            Simon didn’t know how to reply. 

            Bram had to coax him into turning around. 

            “Hi.” 

            “How do you feel?” 

            “I . . . I don’t know.” 

            “That’s okay . . . It’s okay not to know.” 

            Simon could feel the lump in his throat growing, the tears starting to build behind his eyes. But they no matter what happened, they wouldn’t fully come. No matter how much he wished they would. 

            “I don’t know what to do . . .” 

            “You do whatever you need to.” 

            They laid there for minutes in complete silence. With only the occasional gust of wind creating sound. 

            “This was definitely not how I was expecting winter break to begin. Christmas is going to be the worst.” 

            “You’ll get through it, one minute at a time. And I’ll be here every second of it. We might not be together for all of Christmas day but you can text me any time until you come over for dinner.” 

            Instead of replying Simon settled for pushing Bram onto his back and nuzzling as close to him as he could get. 

            “The house feels empty without him, even though we’re all here. I almost don’t want to be here without him. It makes it more real.” 

            “Well, we could stay at my house instead of yours for the foreseeable future if you want,” Bram said as he started to card his fingers through Simon’s hair. 

            “. . . It’s okay . . . I don’t know how my family is going to be. Nora will probably bake her way through it, my mom will vicariously therapize herself by therapizing me and Nora, and my dad . . . my dad’s going to be a mess.” 

            “What about you though?” 

            “What about me, I can’t even cry. Does this even count as grieving? Every time I feel like I’m about to cry I don’t. And I don’t feel anything besides numb. And I feel terrible over my lack of outward emotion.” 

            Bram’s hand stopped slowly as Simon spoke. “Si.” Bram grasped onto Simon’s chin and lifted his head in order to place a chaste kiss on his cheek. “You are definitely grieving. Not everyone grieves the same. So what if you’re not crying or having a break down. For whatever reason, this is how you need to grieve at this moment. It doesn’t mean that you won’t get up tomorrow and cry all morning, or that you might never cry at all over it. You’re feelings are just as valid as someone who cries over the loss of a pet.” 

            Simon deflated while he listened to Bram. Bram always managed to know exactly what Simon needed to hear. “Can you stay the night? I know we both told our parents that we would spend the first few days of break at our own houses, but . . .” 

            “Yes, yes. You don’t even need to ask. I have a bag packed downstairs.” 

            Simon let out a soft chuckle, “as if you don’t already have half of a closet here already.” 

            Bram scoffed at hearing that. “I have hoodies on nearly every surface of my room.” 

            “Don’t complain, you know you love having them when we’re not together. Just like I sporadically borrow your soccer sweatshirt.” 

            Bram tried to give Simon a stern look, but they both just giggled instead. “I had to buy two of the soccer sweatshirts. Do you know how expensive they are?! $60 for just one! Just because you wanted to always have one with you.” 

            “Hey! My boyfriend walked onto Columbia’s soccer team, I get to be a proud boyfriend. Plus I love how every time we see each other we swap them so that way mine always smells like you.” 

            Bram let out a soft hum and resumed carding his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair. It wasn’t long before Simon began to yawn. 

            “Bram?” 

            “Yea babe?” 

            “Over the summer, after graduation and we’re officially living together . . . or even in the next few years, can we get a dog?” 

            “There’s no way we’re not getting one . . . We’ll need to find an apartment complex that’ll allow them thought.” 

            “We’ll find something, somewhere.” 

            “Do you think you’re parents are going to get another dog soon.” 

            “I don’t know. I think so. Finding a dog from a shelter can take a while, but everything felt wrong when we walked into the house. As if the house is now void of all meaning without him here. And that will be unbearable until there’s another dog here.” 

            “Even if it takes months to find another dog, Bieber is always with you.” 

            “I feel empty without him, even though I barely saw him.” 

            “But he was your dog. You’ve had him for years. Even though you’ve been away for school doesn’t mean that he meant any less to you. Every time you facetimed your mom or dad you always had them put him on the phone. The first one you wanted to see every time we came home to visit was Bieber, to the point where you nearly shoved Alice into the wall. The first night home on Thanksgiving break, I was the third wheel in this bed because you only cuddled with him. And I could go on and on.” 

            Simon could hear the soft smile that was surely on Bram’s face. Bram had always had a soft spot for Bieber, claiming him as the surrogate dog he always wanted as a child. 

            “No matter how little you saw him the last few years, he always, always loved you. He never begrudged you for how long you were gone. You were his favorite, always. As soon as you entered the room he had to be with you, no one else was as good as you. He loved you, and he knew how much you loved him. So don’t ever think that you weren’t there for him. You were there, always.” 

            As Bram spoke, Simon felt the tears, but unlike the previous times, this time he cried. 

            Simon wasn’t sure how long he cried, but it was long enough that Bram was now sitting up with Simon in his lap, rocking him back and forth and whispering soothing words into his ears trying to calm him. 

            Simon whispered, “Sorry.” 

            “For what love?” 

            “There are tear stains all over your shirt.” 

            “It’s okay. This shirt isn’t important. You, and how you feel, is important . . . Do you feel a little better now?” 

            Simon gave Bram an almost imperceptible nod, but Bram understood him anyway.” 

            “Come on, let’s get ready for bed. You’re going to pass out soon I know it.” 

            “Oh hush, you’re one to talk.” Simon angled his head upwards just enough to press a kiss the underside of Bram’s jaw before saying, “I love you, always.” 

            “I love you too.” Bram wrapped his arms tighter around Simon as if trying to take his pain away. “Come on, we can binge eat Oreos and watch Netflix until we pass out.” 

            “Wait . . . I don’t want to move yet.” Snuggling closer into Bram, Simon let out a sigh and a minute sense of dullness washing over him. While he knew it was only temporary, Simon welcomed the numbness that only pure exhaustion can bring. “I’m going to miss him, always.”


End file.
